oh, this is nothing really

Dear Diary,
You know, sayings are funny things. You get sayings like you can be whoever you want to be or always reach for the stars… but then they also tell you that you can’t always get what you want, which is why others say, just do your best and enjoy the process—don’t look at the results, or don’t expect too much; learn to lower your expectations…it’s like everything sayings have are contradictions. My mom and I had a conversation about this one time, and she said that what about the sayings they say that when you put your heart into something, then you can achieve it—and then I told her that sometimes, no matter how hard you try things won’t always end up your way. It’s actually fun to have conversations about sayings and you just keep on exchanging sayings with one another, and you may actually end up with a debate. If you ask me, the one thing that is really definite in this world is that you can never know what will happen tomorrow or in the future so what you only have is HOPE. HOPE FOR THE BEST—I say that’s really the only saying we can believe in. Or perhaps it’d be more sound if I quote the Forrest Gump and say that “Life is like a box of chocolates.” We NEVER know…which I guess the other postulate for life is that it is a BITCH.

I don’t know if it is just how things are ought to be, or if this is some twisted game played by fate, but life is pretty much a salad of contradictions. Even PEOPLE are contradictions of each other. Some are bastards, some are angels, some are so cute and loveable… there are people who are ugly, people who are pretty… people who are smart, and people who are stupid. Then there are the lucky ones who pretty much end up with two good things, like being smart and beautiful…oh and might I mention those who are also smart, beautiful and rich? Then there are people who are stupid, ugly and financially unstable.

Heck even I am a contradiction of how I appear to be. People always say that I’m this cheerful person, when in reality, I’m just NOT. I understand them though, it’s because I’m talkative, and I seem to be friendly and whatever…but in reality, I don’t really know why I’m those things because at the end of the day, I am bitter person. In fact, sometimes, I think that maybe that’s why I am friendly with others—because I don’t want them to end up like me…w/c is probably why when I see other people bashing themselves, I try to stop them to, because perhaps they can be something…

I actually believe that I can be something too. I always think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. In that part, he also mentioned ego-needs or like things that we accomplished ourselves in order to achieve self-actualization. But when I look back, with trying to achieve something, I am like a sprinter with one leg—I feel like I can keep on pushing and pushing myself, but at the end of the day, I may never really reach the finish line…in fact, maybe I can never even make it past the starting line…well perhaps 3 steps.

I am lucky for certain aspects of my life, like being gifted w/ a nice family, friends, and many other stuff…but when it just comes to things that I try to achieve or whatever endeavor I immerse myself into, I always just fall short. It’s like our practical exams for basketball when I was in Grade 7. I kept on trying to shoot over and over, and my teacher was trying to encourage me, but at the end of how many tries, I never got one shot in. And it’s been like that most of the time… in school, for one, I just try to study study study, just love the lesson, don’t think of the grades, or whatever, but at the end of the day, I just fall short. You do other things like lower your expectations, or whatever..and God knows how many times I’ve altered my “ideal self” or my goals, up to the point that it’s even just the mediocre, but even that you don’t get. Sometimes I even wonder why I bother trying..maybe because there’s this certain hope that there are some aspects in me that may actually be a recipe for success, but with how many people there are in the world, I’m sure anyone can do the job that I do. I can always say that I put my heart into things, but I’m sure a ton of people will also say that. I guess this is where luck kicks in…but you know I’m actually unlucky.

When I watch sports, I always cheer for the opponent of my favorite player. For some reason, when I cheer for my favorites, they end up losing, and this is SO true! When I started liking Hewitt from tennis, he started falling down from his number one status…and when I liked Guga, he never recovered from his injury. Well now that I’ve proclaimed myself as a Massa fan, he is yet to win a race from the time that I became a fan of his (w/c was Singapore GP). And these things are just recent examples…I mean these things have been happening since I was young. They are like patterns already, which is why I probably think this way.

Pre-school, grade school, high school or college—when I try to aim for some goal, I always end up SHORT. And this isn’t something made up—this is something true. I keep on trying to attain this something, whether it’s school, or some activity or whatever, and I HONESTLY super try my best…as in my motto was 120% in everything, w/c is probably why I am so praning and boring and nerdy before…I really honestly do my best, but yes—as the cliché goes, my best wasn’t good enough. I don’t think it ever was…if it was then it’s just probably some isolated case. It’s funny, how physically I’m a tall person, but in life I’m short…haha okay corny. Maybe the reason why I’m friendly is because I wouldn’t really end up as something anyway and I have to rely on my friends. LOL! But you know, I’m actually open to that kind of future—I am sometimes amazed at how people can be so self-assured.

I don’t know…

Sometimes I find myself cheated by fate especially how it seems that some people sometimes get lucky so much. Like in school, some people would only concentrate on one topic or thesis statement, and they’d end up with that statement for the finals or whatever. Fine you can say like they would never know the true essence of the subject by being lucky—but still that’s pretty lucky. Me, I’ve always known I wasn’t lucky. I never end up w/ topics that I am a “master” at…I mean recently in our neuro module, we had practical exams for physical exam, and I said, Shoot, anything BUT the eyes…and yey! I got the EYES! And this is just in medical school—there were a LOT more of those similar experiences in the past. Which is why I learned to cover all bases…but sometimes, even if I do that, I still end up short.

It’s funny how sometimes it seems like you do twice as much work as another person, but that other person is just great. This is why I get angry at smart people who are lazy…sometimes I think that they’re just wasting their brain cells and their talents by being mediocre. THEY CAN DO SO MUCH more! And Push themselves so much more… us middle average people try and try until we die, but we don’t end up with how much they can end up when they combine their best effort with their talents. Look at my sister, she’s a hardworker and she’s smart—she gets lots of opportunities. Or my classmates, like Cla. They can be so much, but they just want to waste it away.

I don’t really want any words of wisdom and comments from people (that means YOU) for this entry…I’m just rambling my nonsensical thoughts after all. A lot of people may actually find flaws with this, but who cares, I’m decorated w/ flaws anyway! ^_^ I don’t know, it’s like you’re in this line…and you try to get across it, but no matter how hard you try, you’re still there… and I’ve been keeping journals since I was 7 years old and it has always been this way. I’m not a smart person nor someone who is naturally talented, when I want something I work doubly hard—and it’s really suppose to be like that, who said life is easy? But sometimes I just feel like I give so much, but I’m never happy in the end. I’m still young, but I always wish that I can turn back time and change some things. I never really learned any strengths. Sometimes I do discover this talent or skill, but then at the next stage of my life my skill pala isn’t something great. Like in high school, I was a leader, but in college, I was just nobody. If there is something that I’ve learned in every stage of my life, it’s the fact that life is bigger than myself. I’m probably just a dot of font size 7 found at the bottom of the footnote of a 100-paged paper. Sometimes I don’t even know if there is something that I can really expect from myself. I have idealisms, I have goals, I have things that I want to fight for, and I want to be something—but most of the time, I feel like a child trying to touch the air or a blind man trying to differentiate the colors of the rainbow. It’s like I’m just chasing after ghosts, but I try to believe that I’ll be able to do those things…

I am usually afraid to blog about these thoughts of mine, especially because someone might read it. But it’s my blog, and perhaps I am free to write about anything I feel at the moment. Perhaps in the future I can look back…hopefully I’d say those times when you feel like giving up and you didn’t were worth it… perhaps, but who knows, maybe when I re-read this, I’m still someone who ended up with nothing.

But, at the end of the day, I can keep on complaining, but the harsh reality is…well, it’s the fact that I am very much alive. And it’s just annoying that even though I don’t have confidence in myself, I don’t want to settle in just doing nothing either…even though I know that there will be more disappointments along the way, and probably more harsher discoveries about myself, and maybe many more crises to come, you still just want to walk along. Yes… life is full of contradictions.

I was thinking of a nice way to end this entry, and I was thinking along the lines of that perhaps the best contradiction is that I can be nothing, but at the same time be something after all… awww..what a sappy way to end things. But you know, we can also be something but be nothing in the end… so in reality, well we just really don’t know, until that’s it. Maybe this is why people just say, enjoy the process or whatever…

So perhaps the best ending of this entry will be… well maybe Faith knows…