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Where is God in my life?

I have NO idea.
What I do know is that I am trying to look for Him in my life.
High school was the peak of my faith in God. I felt Him everywhere, in the trees, in my friends, in my org-mates, in my classmates, in my teachers, in my parents—it’s was like every day, He was showering my life with goodness that even when something went wrong, I knew it would be okay because God was with me. But I guess it was true what they say, when you grow up, faith’s glass is half empty. I do not know what happened, why I suddenly lost God in my life…why I cannot feel Him around anymore.
Because I was so happy in God’s presence in high school, I made a decision then that since He showered me with so much blessings, I would opt to look for a job that would be of service to Him, which is why I decided to go to medical school, to be a doctor and help others. When I was in college, I stayed true to that. I even participated in our school organization that served in Eucharistic celebrations and also joined a socially-oriented organization that taught poor children. It was also during this time when I had an identity crisis. This crisis revolved around what God really wanted for me. I noticed that every time I pray to achieve something, I always end up short. With all the goals that I set for myself, I would always fail to achieve it. I’ve tried adjusting my ideal self, over and over, and it even reached a point when I felt that my ideal self was just this mediocre person. And if there was anything I hated, it was mediocrity. I would have hoped that someday I can be proud of myself.
See, when I was in college, as I got to know different people, I just realized how much of a “loser” I was. Even with my old talents, like playing the piano, or singing, I would find out that I was not really good enough. But that did not stop me then, I would keep on trying and trying, but then I would also fail as much as I tried. It was really difficult because with everything I do, I really give it 120%. I believe in the spirit of Magis, in always doing your best in something, and then adding some. But when I was in college, I had this perpetual feeling that my best was never enough. In that, everything that can go wrong, will definitely go wrong. I was a living example of Murphy’s Law. I was not the student that I would have wanted to be, I was not a good daughter because I was always “masungit” at home to the frustration of my parents, I was a bad leader in our organization and some of the programs that I did were a flop. But despite those, I still picked myself up. In the end though, I did not really achieve anything. My ultimate goal was to be part of the honor’s list for my parents. See, my sister (as what you probably know from my journal entries) have always been on the top. I did not want them to feel that their other daughter was a failure, so I tried to be good at academics. My mother always told us that what was important for them was that we perform good in school, and so I wanted them to get that. Yet, in the end, I failed in that too. To make things worse, my dad and mom were not able to attend my graduation because my dad became ill and went to the hospital.
Things did not change in Medical School. I would still pray and ask God, what do you really want from me. Sometimes I feel like life is against me in going to medical school. Like things that can go wrong, will just happen to me. I was never lucky. Like in Neurology, this one waterloo I had was with the eyes, I said, I can answer anything but that, and of course I ended up with that. Even the non-academic aspect of my life turned out wrong. My barkada had a fight, my close friend from college is not a close friend anymore, my parents seem to expect that medical school is still like college and we’d end up having disagreements; all these things happening together with the stresses of medical school.
Looking at it in retrospect, I’m sure I am probably just overreacting to things…but you know how people say that feelings are never wrong? Well that’s how I feel right now…when I look deep into myself, I just really feel EMPTY.
I remember, we took this depression test when we were in college, and my result was depressed. I remember that I answered YES in the question which asked: Do you feel cheated by life? I answered yes because I really do. I try to cite examples on why I feel like I’m in Murphy’s Law, but I cannot try to objectify it. It’s just this feeling. I am perpetually bothered by this feeling that I may never be good enough…that I may never be a good enough doctor, or that I may never really achieve my goals. What has fueled this? Every day, when I try to achieve a goal, I end up not achieving it. You learn from it, do it again, but everything I do always ends up short over and over that it is just so discouraging to keep on trying. Sometimes I feel that the world would not really be much different even if I were not around.
But now that I think about it, maybe it is like that…maybe because I am consciously making an effort to make something out of my life, to contribute something to the world that I am feeling like a failure and that God has abandoned me and does not heed my cries for help in things that I invest myself in. Maybe I should just like be other people who go to medical school because their parents say so, or who are just so undecided on what to do with their lives—they seem to be having fun, anyway.
Sometimes people say that I expect so much from myself. Maybe I do expect something above what I really am. I was never a ‘genius’. I was always the loser. In school, I was not one of those students who excelled in fact, I was even just trying to pass. Unlike my sister who was really good—I suppose that is why my teachers doubted whether or not we were really siblings since we were so different in terms of talents. In playing the piano, you just present her with a piano piece, and then she’d be able to play it perfectly. She was a leader, she was smart—I wanted to be like her. So I tried to be good at those things too, but in the end, I am not. And when I try to be good at things that I like, like the sciences, I end up not being brilliant at them either. I am just an ordinary person—and that is something that I am coming into terms with. I do not want to live a mediocre life, I did not want my life to be “just one of those” people lives. I originally wanted to look for my niche, and do my best with it so that I can use it for the benefit of others as well. But maybe this goal is too big for me. In fact, maybe even medical school is too big for me. As I said, I am not a genius, and maybe I bit something more than what I can chew.
So where is God in my life? I think since I am really negative right now, He is probably somewhere that I cannot access. I try to look for Him, but I cannot really see Him. I even ask Him this question. But I understand; I would love God to be more with people who REALLY need Him, more than me. I think that some of my problems are just rooted in myself anyway. It was always like that—at the end of everything I always end up as the root cause. I just have to change…like maybe instead of expecting to be good, I just expect nothing. Like just do it, and then whatever (with the result). Maybe I should stop being a perfectionist, and just admit that being mediocre is not so bad, or that I do not have to do something grandiose in my life, I just have to live it. Or that other people will really be better at me, and that maybe I would not be really the best at something, but at least I try to be. I should just be satisfied with trying, I suppose. I do not really know, because as I try to come into terms with these little failures in life, I just get really annoyed with my shortcomings. I do appreciate the fact that I learn my weaknesses, because maybe I can make my way through them, but it’s just annoying that from 4th year high school up to now, all that I am learning are weaknesses. If someone would ask me right now, Joyce, what are your talents, I’d just look at them. I DO NOT KNOW my strengths, yet I can name a TON of weaknesses.
I would like to say that I see God in my crossroads, but I do not want to lie.
In ASMPH, I joined DOCS (Doctors for Christ) because I do want to keep my personal relationship with Him. If there is anything I value, it’s faith. I just know that there is a God. Atheists say that there is no God because whatever man wants, he can achieve it. But life is not like that. It’s too big—men are totally not in control. We do things, but sometimes, it’s just not really for us, and so we keep on going, hoping to find our niche in life. And I am on that stage. If life were a road, and niches and talents are represented by little shops on the roads where people go, I am probably the person who is still walking towards the sunset, aimlessly trying to find a shop where I can contribute something.
So where is God in my life? He is just somewhere buried within the other stresses that bother me. I know though that He is the one who’s keeping me from stopping my walk. I guess I keep on walking because of faith, because of this abstract belief that maybe life would not be so bad for me anymore, one day.