and i need to maybe get out of it.
i never really understand a lot of people. i mean i try my best to be what i can be... and sometimes, even though i know i got hurt or whatever, i just tend to forego whatever it was that i feel and then just consider it from their point of view. but sometimes, there are some people whom you know are just doing something detrimental, and you want to change their minds.
but i guess, at the end of the day, not everyone wants to...you who pour out all your emotions on empowering that person to at least believe that he or she can change, it's like you just acted stupid anyway because they don't want to change. it's stupid...but that's just the fact of life...
ugh! i don't know i just feel furstrated, oh dear diary. why can't some people see that sometimes the root of their own problems is their own psychology. a lot of people just complain, complain, complain... but at the end of the day, you just waste your time complaining instead of doing something about those things... and then here i am...i wanna empower people--you can do something!
but yes, we are our own drivers anyway, we follow what we want to do, even if it's counterproductive. hehehe so with that, i just want to say: I GIVE UP. that's it... i mean i am out of line... why should i care and tell people how to improve anyway? no, not everyone is ready to do that. and so, i should just stop caring--or you know, caring from afar? Sometimes when you see people not going beyond their 'labels', and these people are those whom you actually care for, you just want them to succeed, but you try to wake them up to do that first. i don't like it when my friends are being made fun of by other people...i don't like it when they're encased in something negative and they're not transcending it...but it is their life after all...and if i try to say something, that's just the extent of it... i can't tell them how to live their lives--as if i'm living mine perfectly. yes...so i'll just stop right there...and give them my 2 cents when asked for it. it gets frustrating anyway when you try to meddle in other people's affairs. wake up, writer_anonymous, it's not your affair.
------------------------
i never really expect anyone to understand how i feel. feelings are relative after all... you may feel a certain way but other people would not really understand why you feel that way. that's why when i feel something, i just tend to understand the other person. i just really don't care anymore. relationships can be taxing... and i guess this is why i'm not really ready for a romantic relationship. so that things wouldn't turn ugly, i just want to understand the other and just deal with it. yea that's my motto: DEAL WITH IT. that's what life throws your way--deal with it. that's how they want to act, deal with it. just deal the fuck with it.
when i was younger, i did tell myself that the only person that, at the end of the day, i can rely on is myself. and right now, i am seeing that it still holds true. sometimes, you want to look for others for help, but they just wouldn't give you the same effort you try to give.
when people have problems and they contact me, i really drop everything i'm doing, whether it was an urgent academic requirement or not. i also don't like ending conversations without me giving a very significant and worth it piece of advice. but that's me. i have this concept on what an ideal friend is..and as much as possible, i want to live by that. but why is it that i don't really have a lot of friends? yes... that still remains a mystery, but it's part of the deal. i know that i'm no fun--i don't party, i don't do daring stuff, and i'd rather do what is right than risk doing what is wrong for the sake of 'fun' or blending in. i don't want to blend in, especially if i don't like what the status quo is anyway. what's the point? as long as i don't see the point, i don't do it. that's how i am--i'm happy like that, but a lot of people are different, and i respect that. when people come to me for my 2 cents, i try to give it my best...but will i have an ever growing friendship with that person? maybe, maybe not. but that's just how things really are.
i do hope though that one day, i would be able to find someone...who would meet me eye to eye. i don't know, just this special friend who just fills up this void that i have.
but at the end of the day, i just have to admit the fact that i'm really not perfect...and there are probably a LOT more people who'd be better friends than me. and that's fine...all i have to offer is me trying to live up to my expectations of how a friend should be. i'm really not perfect, so i cannot be a perfect friend after all. i don't see life as this happy sappy thing either, so no happy-happy joy joy with me.
i wish i was a rock.
i don't really care anymore. :P i mean i do, but generally, i just don't. or at least, i don't want to.
okay, enough nonsense, off to do my HR thought paper.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Have I told you lately... that i'm inlove w/ Nightwing?
Dear Diary,
I love the nightwing series. In fact, after a year of deleting the nightwing stories in my hardrive (and storing them in a CD w/c i have now misplaced) so that i would not be bothered with school work anymore, i find myself downloading the series again... unfortunately, all i've been finding are those that are not in english. -_- just my luck!
i can't understand what i'm reading.
...
-_-
so i just settled on looking at the pictures.
-_-
dick grayson..the original robin... nightwing... the future cape crusader (?)
Sunday, May 31, 2009
What's worst than having a boring summer...?
Having a boring summer with no one replying to your text messeges!!!!!
WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???
-____-
*A public announcement...*
P.S.
If you came from overseas in a country that has a lot of cases of swine flu, please be nice enough to self-quarantine yourself before going to the outside world ^^
WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY???
-____-
*A public announcement...*
P.S.
If you came from overseas in a country that has a lot of cases of swine flu, please be nice enough to self-quarantine yourself before going to the outside world ^^
Sunday, February 15, 2009
OoO_o O_o O_o O_o O_o O_Oo_O o_O o_O o_O oO
February 15: Post-Valentine's Day
Time: 8:29 pm
What just happened: Chatted w/ some people...realized something...
Bottomline:
joyce....
person
Time: 8:29 pm
What just happened: Chatted w/ some people...realized something...
Bottomline:
At the end of the day...
joyce....
person
deadbeat
washout
has been
dud
flop
defeated
disadvantaged
flunkee
fiasco
failure
loser.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Bad Luck Chuck
I have now Christened (is the spelling right?) myself as Chuck... short for Bad Luck Chuck.
I was hoping my bad luck streak would STOP when 2008 was over, but having a dream about being hunted by a three-headed ghost who was out to take my life on the day of New Year's Eve should have served as a sign that bad luck was yet to come.
And it did, today, january 02, 2009... HAPPY NEW YEAR! O_o YAHOO!!! I got hit by a car behind me... and we weren't even moving, because our way was on halt since cars were crossing. I wasn't even moving...i was on neutral and then BAM! My world actually stopped for like a minute, as i threw life a question: "Was that really my car?"
And what made things even more bad luck-er (i'm making a new word...bad lucker)was that i wasn't even using my car...it was my sister's car :( she was having her own adventure in rockwell (*wink*) and so i didn't want to drive my car 'coz mine was a manual, and i wasn't in the mood to drive so i decided to take one of our automatic cars; thus, i asked my dad (In a mafia type of voice): "Lend me ate's car, or YOUR car" lol!
so anyway, yea, i ended up with my sister's car...i just hate it, you know...'coz it was so stupid. the whole road was on a stop, i knew the guy behind me stopped at first too... coz like i think he hit me when the cars crossing were probably around half of those who wanted to cross--of course im just estimating, since when i heard the bam, the world stopped. Coz i was just there stopped innocently on my way to starbucks in a noble attempt to study for physiology, and then after a few moments, BAM! :(
Did you know that on the 18th of December i had my wallet stolen in Shang? And then when we were about to exit we were caught in this mess because the staff in the parking lot didn't know that we were exempted from paying?
And then on the 19th of December, well it was a bittersweet day... some good parts, some parts were annoying...i just wanted to sleep and have fun on the 20th of december.
But on the 20th of December, i asked bia if she can bring me home, and then when we were just INCHES away from the parking of starbucks libis where my sister was at, a car pops out of nowhere...speeding...and then hit her car?
And while the image of what happened to Bia is still clearly etched in my head, i get HIT... on January 02, 2009, the first day i drove again coz i have a license already...a NEW license in which i look so ugly and fat in (poor attempt in humor), and since what hit me was an FX, we had to deal with our own damage.
these are just the bad luck things happening from late december to january 02... i haven't included the whole medical school 1st academic semester and other things happening...
I'm not really exaggerating... i guess it's easy to see the happy parts of one's life when you're not the one in it. I don't really like dwelling on the wrong things that happen, but i just can't help it, because last 2008, everything just seemed back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-.... my personal (and academic life) life is faltering...NoOoOoOoOOooOOOOOooO! >.<
That's why, to just add humor to the sour things happening, plus to commemorate these events, which i am sure, in the future i'd be laughing about, i will first change my name to Chuck.
Hello, i'm Chuck, how do you do?
-----------------------
The other thing i learned today is that when people are in an accident, other drivers cause traffic because they look at what's happening. This usually happens a lot in Marcos Hi-way...i remember i kept on beeping at the car in front of me, coz it wouldn't go, coz they were looking at the jeep that was upside down... you can look, but i hope people won't make a farce out of it... out of respect for those involved in the accident. i mean they're stressed enough i'm sure, and maybe it's just me, but it's kind of disrespectful when you make "usyoso"... coz it takes long, and afterwards people would be like making their own assumptions: "oh that driver was stupid" blah blah
A while ago, i had an FX driver eye me badly...and he was pointing at me while staring daggers. i guess it's because i didn't let his fellow FX driver go (i got hit by an FX). I was annoyed by the whole thing so i also eyed him badly and raised my eyebrow...hahah i wasn't myself, really. i was so masungit and bitchy because i've just really had it with these car accidents! I mean at the end of the day, i didn't even want to drive anymore!
Then there was also these bunch of guys, they were looking at me and on the fx driver and they were laughing. we moved our cars to this parking lot kasi so they didn't see the exact scenario... but one of them was laughing when they looked at me again..." babae kasi eh"... i hate testosterone-overdosed boys! But i'll just let it slide... at least i have a car and not hitching at the backseat of a friend's small car with 4 other boys and no airconditioning. >=) evil laugh
that's my attempt to draw a devil: >=).
i'm not really a devil. i just don't like testosterone-overdosed boys. they're so cocky and arrogant and chauvinistic. Women deserve better respect than what those type of boys give. Fine, men have a better spatial ability than women, thus better driving skills, but that doesn't really mean that when there is a girl on the road they'd gang-up on her or whatever. i've always dared myself to be a good driver because i don't want to be stereotyped, and i wanted to show people that girls can drive too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anyway, accidents happen...and unfortunately for me, it just occured at a time when all the other accidents just happened. but that's life... no one is really exempted from experiencing anything unfortunate or what. i guess what's important is that we still dare to continue walking the path of life with a smile.
okay...that was my pathetic attempt for a conclusion... -_-
Chuck
I was hoping my bad luck streak would STOP when 2008 was over, but having a dream about being hunted by a three-headed ghost who was out to take my life on the day of New Year's Eve should have served as a sign that bad luck was yet to come.
And it did, today, january 02, 2009... HAPPY NEW YEAR! O_o YAHOO!!! I got hit by a car behind me... and we weren't even moving, because our way was on halt since cars were crossing. I wasn't even moving...i was on neutral and then BAM! My world actually stopped for like a minute, as i threw life a question: "Was that really my car?"
And what made things even more bad luck-er (i'm making a new word...bad lucker)was that i wasn't even using my car...it was my sister's car :( she was having her own adventure in rockwell (*wink*) and so i didn't want to drive my car 'coz mine was a manual, and i wasn't in the mood to drive so i decided to take one of our automatic cars; thus, i asked my dad (In a mafia type of voice): "Lend me ate's car, or YOUR car" lol!
so anyway, yea, i ended up with my sister's car...i just hate it, you know...'coz it was so stupid. the whole road was on a stop, i knew the guy behind me stopped at first too... coz like i think he hit me when the cars crossing were probably around half of those who wanted to cross--of course im just estimating, since when i heard the bam, the world stopped. Coz i was just there stopped innocently on my way to starbucks in a noble attempt to study for physiology, and then after a few moments, BAM! :(
Did you know that on the 18th of December i had my wallet stolen in Shang? And then when we were about to exit we were caught in this mess because the staff in the parking lot didn't know that we were exempted from paying?
And then on the 19th of December, well it was a bittersweet day... some good parts, some parts were annoying...i just wanted to sleep and have fun on the 20th of december.
But on the 20th of December, i asked bia if she can bring me home, and then when we were just INCHES away from the parking of starbucks libis where my sister was at, a car pops out of nowhere...speeding...and then hit her car?
And while the image of what happened to Bia is still clearly etched in my head, i get HIT... on January 02, 2009, the first day i drove again coz i have a license already...a NEW license in which i look so ugly and fat in (poor attempt in humor), and since what hit me was an FX, we had to deal with our own damage.
these are just the bad luck things happening from late december to january 02... i haven't included the whole medical school 1st academic semester and other things happening...
I'm not really exaggerating... i guess it's easy to see the happy parts of one's life when you're not the one in it. I don't really like dwelling on the wrong things that happen, but i just can't help it, because last 2008, everything just seemed back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-back-.... my personal (and academic life) life is faltering...NoOoOoOoOOooOOOOOooO! >.<
That's why, to just add humor to the sour things happening, plus to commemorate these events, which i am sure, in the future i'd be laughing about, i will first change my name to Chuck.
Hello, i'm Chuck, how do you do?
-----------------------
The other thing i learned today is that when people are in an accident, other drivers cause traffic because they look at what's happening. This usually happens a lot in Marcos Hi-way...i remember i kept on beeping at the car in front of me, coz it wouldn't go, coz they were looking at the jeep that was upside down... you can look, but i hope people won't make a farce out of it... out of respect for those involved in the accident. i mean they're stressed enough i'm sure, and maybe it's just me, but it's kind of disrespectful when you make "usyoso"... coz it takes long, and afterwards people would be like making their own assumptions: "oh that driver was stupid" blah blah
A while ago, i had an FX driver eye me badly...and he was pointing at me while staring daggers. i guess it's because i didn't let his fellow FX driver go (i got hit by an FX). I was annoyed by the whole thing so i also eyed him badly and raised my eyebrow...hahah i wasn't myself, really. i was so masungit and bitchy because i've just really had it with these car accidents! I mean at the end of the day, i didn't even want to drive anymore!
Then there was also these bunch of guys, they were looking at me and on the fx driver and they were laughing. we moved our cars to this parking lot kasi so they didn't see the exact scenario... but one of them was laughing when they looked at me again..." babae kasi eh"... i hate testosterone-overdosed boys! But i'll just let it slide... at least i have a car and not hitching at the backseat of a friend's small car with 4 other boys and no airconditioning. >=) evil laugh
that's my attempt to draw a devil: >=).
i'm not really a devil. i just don't like testosterone-overdosed boys. they're so cocky and arrogant and chauvinistic. Women deserve better respect than what those type of boys give. Fine, men have a better spatial ability than women, thus better driving skills, but that doesn't really mean that when there is a girl on the road they'd gang-up on her or whatever. i've always dared myself to be a good driver because i don't want to be stereotyped, and i wanted to show people that girls can drive too.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anyway, accidents happen...and unfortunately for me, it just occured at a time when all the other accidents just happened. but that's life... no one is really exempted from experiencing anything unfortunate or what. i guess what's important is that we still dare to continue walking the path of life with a smile.
okay...that was my pathetic attempt for a conclusion... -_-
Chuck
What happened last December 18, 2008: Shang escapades
I do not know what i wrote last december 18...probably surge of emotions, but this is about the Shang incident.
-----------------------------------------------------------
December 18, 2008
“100 pesos poorer”
I LOVE BIANCA!
I totally relied on her today—relied on her for everything. She was the one who talked to my mom, she was the one who really asserted and defended me to the guards—I completely saw a different side of her. I saw her “don’t mess with Bianca” side, and I am really lucky that she was there the WHOLE time. I LOVE YOU BIA! You’re my wife! The people who say that you’re a bad friend can kiss my fat ass.
So what happened? We went to Shang, and my wallet was stolen… my bag was opened and my wallet was gotten from it. It was easy to get because it was quite big, but the best thing of all was that it didn’t have any money, so whoever stole my wallet—serves you right! You can get my card, but it’s canceled already, I don’t have any ATM… oh, but my Slimmer’s World ID is there, you can stare at my formerly fat self all day, but in the end, you still just got a 100 bucks. Yes, it could’ve bought me a starbucks, but there’s like 6 of you… you’d have the SHARE with that! I bet that won’t even pay the fare of going to Shang and doing your little rotten antics! So 100/ 6…that’s around 17 pesos per person… well Merry Christmas! I’m glad I was able to make you guys 17 pesos richer.
Anyway, the people in Rustan’s—I LOVE the sales ladies there. Thank you for sharing your concern…yes, I shall still shop there…you guys give the best service and I just want to tell all the Rustan’s people that you really give the customer care, and I appreciate it.
For the staff of the mall itself though… I really appreciate the security Head, I think his name was Major Padilla…but man, the people in charge of the car parking…they really need to know the essence of “accommodating” a customer with a bad experience.
They were so smug and rude…one guy even seemed to be laughing at us.
Before we went out of the parking at the 5th floor, one security guard asked us: “Ma’am, kayo po ba yung nanakawan ng wallet, yung walang ticket.” And I said: “Oo kami yun”. And they let us through… during this time, we thought that everything was okay and that all our troubles were over. Then at the cashier, when Bianca gave them her plate number and informed them about Mr. Padilla… this cashier guy asked this security guy to come over, and the security guard got Bia’s license. He just got it without eve explaining what to do with it.
So Bianca and I went out of the car, and then we said, we won’t pay because Major Padilla already said that we’d be exempt from paying the “lost car park ticket”. And then the security guard tells Bianca that even though the wallet got stolen, it’s still a lost car park sticker, so we’d have to pay. So we demanded that he talk to Major Padilla, because it was so unfair to us. We didn’t lose the ticket—my wallet was stolen! It was a bad enough experience in a mall that I really respected. I love Shang… I love the ambience, I thought that people who go there are those that would not do those things…I thought that security was good there…that’s my type of mall. I thought that they would take care of us more and be accommodating. But the whole time, in the parking area, they were giving us a hard time.
What made things really turn sour for Bianca and I was when the supervisor of the car parking came… That time the security guard took out a paper and then told us that all this time he was trying to say that we should follow procedures, and that we were not cooperating. And then this car parking guy backs him up, and he keeps on berating us that we were the ones causing trouble and we weren’t cooperating. He was even smiling, like as if Bianca and I were crazy people…it was that type of smile that was smug and rude. In the first place, the guard didn’t inform us anything…he could have just told us before he got the license that there were rules to follow. He was the one prolonging the whole thing, telling us that we’d have to pay. And then when we demanded him to radio Mr. Medina, he then said he’ll file us under “not paying”, and then now that some supervisor is there, he tells us that we refused to cooperate and follow the process.
Bianca and I, we wouldn’t get angry all of a sudden for nothing. I mean, people know me, I DON’T get angry. We may have raised our voice at the start, but we just wanted to clarify that we were cleared, but then NO ONE WAS LISTENING… they did not want to contact Mr. Padilla, until Biancac further pressed them to do so.
And the car parking supervisor? He was washing his hands from the whole thing…he told us that Mr. Padilla was from a different department. And I told him, they should still have coordinated, because they were ALL still under ONE MALL, ONE COMPANY! If the security department says this, they should also follow. What’s that, the security people know that we shouldn’t pay, but the car parking people would still ask us to pay? Why won’t they call Mr. Padilla in the first place to clarify? Whatever happened to coordination between departments? Whatever happened to respecting customers?
I know I was probably rude when I told him to wipe that smile off his face—but Bianca and I felt really disrespected during the whole process. Especially by the security guard, telling us one thing, and then when the supervisors came, telling a different story. PLEASE! I am also really annoyed with the car park supervisor, “You mean, they just had to fill up a paper and it would be over?” My gosh… we weren’t informed…and he kept on accusing us of not cooperating. We were cooperating…we were given clearance, when the security guard asked for Bianca’s license, she gave it, even though SECURITY GUARDS don’t have the right to get it—ONLY MMDA people can get licenses, you know!
I do not know if they were power tripping because we were young. If so, then let this be a warning to other people. In that mall, they also do not coordinate with say Rustan’s. Like if something happens to you in Rustan’s, you can inform the whole security of the mall, but they have jurisdictions. It was really unfortunate because the sales lady was able to see the group of women who stole my wallet… and it happened before. But since it’s a different jurisdiction, the security person said that they could not go to Rustan’s and coordinate or whatever. It was pretty… well… I don’t know… I just thought that after they got my wallet, they’d leave Rustan’s…so the next in line who would take responsibility are the main security, right? Shouldn’t they coordinate? I just feel like it means if I steal something in the department store, I’d get away with it just by stepping into the mall itself, since it’s a different jurisdiction…it’s just kind of weird.
This day taught me many things though. For one, I now know that there is really NO SAFE PLACE. It’s so annoying that those girls do this…on CHRISTMAS! A time when people are suppose to be enjoying, just as Bianca and I were planning on doing. Why should THEY DO THAT? There is no safe place because my friends and I hang-out in Shang since we feel that we’ll be secure there…maybe because of the crowd, or because of this supposedly accommodating feel from the staff. But nowhere is safe I guess. What happens in second-rate malls will also happen on a nice mall.
Secondly, you can never really expect optimal service. They can brag about it, and seem to have it, but when you really experience something, sometimes they all fall short. There would always be people who would not accommodate you, or who would make themselves look super superior to intimidate you, which is how it felt like when we were dealing with the car park people.
Lastly, I guess for all of us, we should just be careful. The world will never smile on us all the time. It was really a grace that I did not bring my money with me that time, but even though… the experience was still traumatic.
The most important thing I learned today was that how much you can get comfort from people you least expect. I’m really a parents’ girl, but I know how perfectionist they can get. When I got home, what I got was…well..nothing…oh just this: “Dapat kasi ganito magbuhat ng bag” (imagine an ugly mailman). And a: “Nandito na si Joyce…” and a reply: “O, anong oras na?”. At least my sister text me a Hug, and gave asked how things were. I’m not really an emotional person, but it was that type of thing that I just wanted to hear. I know…I guess I was pretty stupid because of the whole ordeal…I should have been vigilant, but I guess I was outsmarted by them. I never thought anyway that that would happen, in Shang…but I guess I should not hold any public place or mall in that much of high esteem.
I really appreciated the sales ladies in Rustans (in Luna, and in the watch shop that sells Tissot, and their department store manager) because they were asking if I was okay, etc.
And of course, how can I forget the OC? ^___^ Like I know Mooch was suppose to be shopping for a dress, but I think I kind of impeded on her plans because of what happened, but she still stayed with Bianca and I when I was going crazy… hahaha I was trying to absorb what happened, so we went to this Mickey place just to see these rooms that I wanted. She was also always holding my hand, and really concerned. Thanks Mooch!
Kevz, I was really touched when I found out that he was coding, but he still went to Shang. I’m sorry team 3, since he wasn’t able to have dinner with you…but I’m also happy because he came. Thanks Kevz! You did me two favors today ;) hehehe
Berna, Ben, Bia’s brother Ken and Ken’s friend Miguel were also there. I just love how Bianca and her brother are. Miguel and Ken, thank you for listening to my rants inside the car…and thank you for also understanding us when it came to dealing with the car park people. I hope we can all pull some strings, ne? J
I’m just really touched with how my friends are. I was never really a barkada person. I used to think that I can handle things on my own, or that friends are just people who’d come and go… but I don’t know, things have changed in medical school. I now find myself getting the emotional support I need from my friends, more than my parents. I just really appreciate it that they still like me even though I’m such a loser, and even though I’m so choosy with food. I don’t eat burgers guys, sorry… ;)
I’m just really thankful I have them with me…and I promise to be a good friend to all. I’m not really good with the emotional stuff…I’m not good with receiving complements, so I may react like masungit sometimes…I have a VERY EARLY curfew, I don’t drink, I don’t dance, I don’t do cool stuff, I’m not fun, I’m not cool, I don’t party, I don’t go to bars, I don’t like places that are too crowded…I’m weird, I listen to music that I don’t even understand, I’m emo, I’m moody…I annoyingly and constantly complain about my weight, I’m ugly and my curls aren’t that curly anymore, I’m not good with school, I’m a seatmate who’s too talkative, I’m a girl, yet sometimes I act like a boy, I overdose myself with caffeine and Starbucks’ coffee… I’m… I have a LOT OF limitations, yet I’m lucky to have friends like you…thanks so much. I wish that my little surprises are enough to show how much I care for our friendships, and I promise to do my best to be a better friend.
-----------------------------------------------------------
December 18, 2008
“100 pesos poorer”
I LOVE BIANCA!
I totally relied on her today—relied on her for everything. She was the one who talked to my mom, she was the one who really asserted and defended me to the guards—I completely saw a different side of her. I saw her “don’t mess with Bianca” side, and I am really lucky that she was there the WHOLE time. I LOVE YOU BIA! You’re my wife! The people who say that you’re a bad friend can kiss my fat ass.
So what happened? We went to Shang, and my wallet was stolen… my bag was opened and my wallet was gotten from it. It was easy to get because it was quite big, but the best thing of all was that it didn’t have any money, so whoever stole my wallet—serves you right! You can get my card, but it’s canceled already, I don’t have any ATM… oh, but my Slimmer’s World ID is there, you can stare at my formerly fat self all day, but in the end, you still just got a 100 bucks. Yes, it could’ve bought me a starbucks, but there’s like 6 of you… you’d have the SHARE with that! I bet that won’t even pay the fare of going to Shang and doing your little rotten antics! So 100/ 6…that’s around 17 pesos per person… well Merry Christmas! I’m glad I was able to make you guys 17 pesos richer.
Anyway, the people in Rustan’s—I LOVE the sales ladies there. Thank you for sharing your concern…yes, I shall still shop there…you guys give the best service and I just want to tell all the Rustan’s people that you really give the customer care, and I appreciate it.
For the staff of the mall itself though… I really appreciate the security Head, I think his name was Major Padilla…but man, the people in charge of the car parking…they really need to know the essence of “accommodating” a customer with a bad experience.
They were so smug and rude…one guy even seemed to be laughing at us.
Before we went out of the parking at the 5th floor, one security guard asked us: “Ma’am, kayo po ba yung nanakawan ng wallet, yung walang ticket.” And I said: “Oo kami yun”. And they let us through… during this time, we thought that everything was okay and that all our troubles were over. Then at the cashier, when Bianca gave them her plate number and informed them about Mr. Padilla… this cashier guy asked this security guy to come over, and the security guard got Bia’s license. He just got it without eve explaining what to do with it.
So Bianca and I went out of the car, and then we said, we won’t pay because Major Padilla already said that we’d be exempt from paying the “lost car park ticket”. And then the security guard tells Bianca that even though the wallet got stolen, it’s still a lost car park sticker, so we’d have to pay. So we demanded that he talk to Major Padilla, because it was so unfair to us. We didn’t lose the ticket—my wallet was stolen! It was a bad enough experience in a mall that I really respected. I love Shang… I love the ambience, I thought that people who go there are those that would not do those things…I thought that security was good there…that’s my type of mall. I thought that they would take care of us more and be accommodating. But the whole time, in the parking area, they were giving us a hard time.
What made things really turn sour for Bianca and I was when the supervisor of the car parking came… That time the security guard took out a paper and then told us that all this time he was trying to say that we should follow procedures, and that we were not cooperating. And then this car parking guy backs him up, and he keeps on berating us that we were the ones causing trouble and we weren’t cooperating. He was even smiling, like as if Bianca and I were crazy people…it was that type of smile that was smug and rude. In the first place, the guard didn’t inform us anything…he could have just told us before he got the license that there were rules to follow. He was the one prolonging the whole thing, telling us that we’d have to pay. And then when we demanded him to radio Mr. Medina, he then said he’ll file us under “not paying”, and then now that some supervisor is there, he tells us that we refused to cooperate and follow the process.
Bianca and I, we wouldn’t get angry all of a sudden for nothing. I mean, people know me, I DON’T get angry. We may have raised our voice at the start, but we just wanted to clarify that we were cleared, but then NO ONE WAS LISTENING… they did not want to contact Mr. Padilla, until Biancac further pressed them to do so.
And the car parking supervisor? He was washing his hands from the whole thing…he told us that Mr. Padilla was from a different department. And I told him, they should still have coordinated, because they were ALL still under ONE MALL, ONE COMPANY! If the security department says this, they should also follow. What’s that, the security people know that we shouldn’t pay, but the car parking people would still ask us to pay? Why won’t they call Mr. Padilla in the first place to clarify? Whatever happened to coordination between departments? Whatever happened to respecting customers?
I know I was probably rude when I told him to wipe that smile off his face—but Bianca and I felt really disrespected during the whole process. Especially by the security guard, telling us one thing, and then when the supervisors came, telling a different story. PLEASE! I am also really annoyed with the car park supervisor, “You mean, they just had to fill up a paper and it would be over?” My gosh… we weren’t informed…and he kept on accusing us of not cooperating. We were cooperating…we were given clearance, when the security guard asked for Bianca’s license, she gave it, even though SECURITY GUARDS don’t have the right to get it—ONLY MMDA people can get licenses, you know!
I do not know if they were power tripping because we were young. If so, then let this be a warning to other people. In that mall, they also do not coordinate with say Rustan’s. Like if something happens to you in Rustan’s, you can inform the whole security of the mall, but they have jurisdictions. It was really unfortunate because the sales lady was able to see the group of women who stole my wallet… and it happened before. But since it’s a different jurisdiction, the security person said that they could not go to Rustan’s and coordinate or whatever. It was pretty… well… I don’t know… I just thought that after they got my wallet, they’d leave Rustan’s…so the next in line who would take responsibility are the main security, right? Shouldn’t they coordinate? I just feel like it means if I steal something in the department store, I’d get away with it just by stepping into the mall itself, since it’s a different jurisdiction…it’s just kind of weird.
This day taught me many things though. For one, I now know that there is really NO SAFE PLACE. It’s so annoying that those girls do this…on CHRISTMAS! A time when people are suppose to be enjoying, just as Bianca and I were planning on doing. Why should THEY DO THAT? There is no safe place because my friends and I hang-out in Shang since we feel that we’ll be secure there…maybe because of the crowd, or because of this supposedly accommodating feel from the staff. But nowhere is safe I guess. What happens in second-rate malls will also happen on a nice mall.
Secondly, you can never really expect optimal service. They can brag about it, and seem to have it, but when you really experience something, sometimes they all fall short. There would always be people who would not accommodate you, or who would make themselves look super superior to intimidate you, which is how it felt like when we were dealing with the car park people.
Lastly, I guess for all of us, we should just be careful. The world will never smile on us all the time. It was really a grace that I did not bring my money with me that time, but even though… the experience was still traumatic.
The most important thing I learned today was that how much you can get comfort from people you least expect. I’m really a parents’ girl, but I know how perfectionist they can get. When I got home, what I got was…well..nothing…oh just this: “Dapat kasi ganito magbuhat ng bag” (imagine an ugly mailman). And a: “Nandito na si Joyce…” and a reply: “O, anong oras na?”. At least my sister text me a Hug, and gave asked how things were. I’m not really an emotional person, but it was that type of thing that I just wanted to hear. I know…I guess I was pretty stupid because of the whole ordeal…I should have been vigilant, but I guess I was outsmarted by them. I never thought anyway that that would happen, in Shang…but I guess I should not hold any public place or mall in that much of high esteem.
I really appreciated the sales ladies in Rustans (in Luna, and in the watch shop that sells Tissot, and their department store manager) because they were asking if I was okay, etc.
And of course, how can I forget the OC? ^___^ Like I know Mooch was suppose to be shopping for a dress, but I think I kind of impeded on her plans because of what happened, but she still stayed with Bianca and I when I was going crazy… hahaha I was trying to absorb what happened, so we went to this Mickey place just to see these rooms that I wanted. She was also always holding my hand, and really concerned. Thanks Mooch!
Kevz, I was really touched when I found out that he was coding, but he still went to Shang. I’m sorry team 3, since he wasn’t able to have dinner with you…but I’m also happy because he came. Thanks Kevz! You did me two favors today ;) hehehe
Berna, Ben, Bia’s brother Ken and Ken’s friend Miguel were also there. I just love how Bianca and her brother are. Miguel and Ken, thank you for listening to my rants inside the car…and thank you for also understanding us when it came to dealing with the car park people. I hope we can all pull some strings, ne? J
I’m just really touched with how my friends are. I was never really a barkada person. I used to think that I can handle things on my own, or that friends are just people who’d come and go… but I don’t know, things have changed in medical school. I now find myself getting the emotional support I need from my friends, more than my parents. I just really appreciate it that they still like me even though I’m such a loser, and even though I’m so choosy with food. I don’t eat burgers guys, sorry… ;)
I’m just really thankful I have them with me…and I promise to be a good friend to all. I’m not really good with the emotional stuff…I’m not good with receiving complements, so I may react like masungit sometimes…I have a VERY EARLY curfew, I don’t drink, I don’t dance, I don’t do cool stuff, I’m not fun, I’m not cool, I don’t party, I don’t go to bars, I don’t like places that are too crowded…I’m weird, I listen to music that I don’t even understand, I’m emo, I’m moody…I annoyingly and constantly complain about my weight, I’m ugly and my curls aren’t that curly anymore, I’m not good with school, I’m a seatmate who’s too talkative, I’m a girl, yet sometimes I act like a boy, I overdose myself with caffeine and Starbucks’ coffee… I’m… I have a LOT OF limitations, yet I’m lucky to have friends like you…thanks so much. I wish that my little surprises are enough to show how much I care for our friendships, and I promise to do my best to be a better friend.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
lalalalalalalalalala
Where is God in my life?
I have NO idea.
What I do know is that I am trying to look for Him in my life.
High school was the peak of my faith in God. I felt Him everywhere, in the trees, in my friends, in my org-mates, in my classmates, in my teachers, in my parents—it’s was like every day, He was showering my life with goodness that even when something went wrong, I knew it would be okay because God was with me. But I guess it was true what they say, when you grow up, faith’s glass is half empty. I do not know what happened, why I suddenly lost God in my life…why I cannot feel Him around anymore.
Because I was so happy in God’s presence in high school, I made a decision then that since He showered me with so much blessings, I would opt to look for a job that would be of service to Him, which is why I decided to go to medical school, to be a doctor and help others. When I was in college, I stayed true to that. I even participated in our school organization that served in Eucharistic celebrations and also joined a socially-oriented organization that taught poor children. It was also during this time when I had an identity crisis. This crisis revolved around what God really wanted for me. I noticed that every time I pray to achieve something, I always end up short. With all the goals that I set for myself, I would always fail to achieve it. I’ve tried adjusting my ideal self, over and over, and it even reached a point when I felt that my ideal self was just this mediocre person. And if there was anything I hated, it was mediocrity. I would have hoped that someday I can be proud of myself.
See, when I was in college, as I got to know different people, I just realized how much of a “loser” I was. Even with my old talents, like playing the piano, or singing, I would find out that I was not really good enough. But that did not stop me then, I would keep on trying and trying, but then I would also fail as much as I tried. It was really difficult because with everything I do, I really give it 120%. I believe in the spirit of Magis, in always doing your best in something, and then adding some. But when I was in college, I had this perpetual feeling that my best was never enough. In that, everything that can go wrong, will definitely go wrong. I was a living example of Murphy’s Law. I was not the student that I would have wanted to be, I was not a good daughter because I was always “masungit” at home to the frustration of my parents, I was a bad leader in our organization and some of the programs that I did were a flop. But despite those, I still picked myself up. In the end though, I did not really achieve anything. My ultimate goal was to be part of the honor’s list for my parents. See, my sister (as what you probably know from my journal entries) have always been on the top. I did not want them to feel that their other daughter was a failure, so I tried to be good at academics. My mother always told us that what was important for them was that we perform good in school, and so I wanted them to get that. Yet, in the end, I failed in that too. To make things worse, my dad and mom were not able to attend my graduation because my dad became ill and went to the hospital.
Things did not change in Medical School. I would still pray and ask God, what do you really want from me. Sometimes I feel like life is against me in going to medical school. Like things that can go wrong, will just happen to me. I was never lucky. Like in Neurology, this one waterloo I had was with the eyes, I said, I can answer anything but that, and of course I ended up with that. Even the non-academic aspect of my life turned out wrong. My barkada had a fight, my close friend from college is not a close friend anymore, my parents seem to expect that medical school is still like college and we’d end up having disagreements; all these things happening together with the stresses of medical school.
Looking at it in retrospect, I’m sure I am probably just overreacting to things…but you know how people say that feelings are never wrong? Well that’s how I feel right now…when I look deep into myself, I just really feel EMPTY.
I remember, we took this depression test when we were in college, and my result was depressed. I remember that I answered YES in the question which asked: Do you feel cheated by life? I answered yes because I really do. I try to cite examples on why I feel like I’m in Murphy’s Law, but I cannot try to objectify it. It’s just this feeling. I am perpetually bothered by this feeling that I may never be good enough…that I may never be a good enough doctor, or that I may never really achieve my goals. What has fueled this? Every day, when I try to achieve a goal, I end up not achieving it. You learn from it, do it again, but everything I do always ends up short over and over that it is just so discouraging to keep on trying. Sometimes I feel that the world would not really be much different even if I were not around.
But now that I think about it, maybe it is like that…maybe because I am consciously making an effort to make something out of my life, to contribute something to the world that I am feeling like a failure and that God has abandoned me and does not heed my cries for help in things that I invest myself in. Maybe I should just like be other people who go to medical school because their parents say so, or who are just so undecided on what to do with their lives—they seem to be having fun, anyway.
Sometimes people say that I expect so much from myself. Maybe I do expect something above what I really am. I was never a ‘genius’. I was always the loser. In school, I was not one of those students who excelled in fact, I was even just trying to pass. Unlike my sister who was really good—I suppose that is why my teachers doubted whether or not we were really siblings since we were so different in terms of talents. In playing the piano, you just present her with a piano piece, and then she’d be able to play it perfectly. She was a leader, she was smart—I wanted to be like her. So I tried to be good at those things too, but in the end, I am not. And when I try to be good at things that I like, like the sciences, I end up not being brilliant at them either. I am just an ordinary person—and that is something that I am coming into terms with. I do not want to live a mediocre life, I did not want my life to be “just one of those” people lives. I originally wanted to look for my niche, and do my best with it so that I can use it for the benefit of others as well. But maybe this goal is too big for me. In fact, maybe even medical school is too big for me. As I said, I am not a genius, and maybe I bit something more than what I can chew.
So where is God in my life? I think since I am really negative right now, He is probably somewhere that I cannot access. I try to look for Him, but I cannot really see Him. I even ask Him this question. But I understand; I would love God to be more with people who REALLY need Him, more than me. I think that some of my problems are just rooted in myself anyway. It was always like that—at the end of everything I always end up as the root cause. I just have to change…like maybe instead of expecting to be good, I just expect nothing. Like just do it, and then whatever (with the result). Maybe I should stop being a perfectionist, and just admit that being mediocre is not so bad, or that I do not have to do something grandiose in my life, I just have to live it. Or that other people will really be better at me, and that maybe I would not be really the best at something, but at least I try to be. I should just be satisfied with trying, I suppose. I do not really know, because as I try to come into terms with these little failures in life, I just get really annoyed with my shortcomings. I do appreciate the fact that I learn my weaknesses, because maybe I can make my way through them, but it’s just annoying that from 4th year high school up to now, all that I am learning are weaknesses. If someone would ask me right now, Joyce, what are your talents, I’d just look at them. I DO NOT KNOW my strengths, yet I can name a TON of weaknesses.
I would like to say that I see God in my crossroads, but I do not want to lie.
In ASMPH, I joined DOCS (Doctors for Christ) because I do want to keep my personal relationship with Him. If there is anything I value, it’s faith. I just know that there is a God. Atheists say that there is no God because whatever man wants, he can achieve it. But life is not like that. It’s too big—men are totally not in control. We do things, but sometimes, it’s just not really for us, and so we keep on going, hoping to find our niche in life. And I am on that stage. If life were a road, and niches and talents are represented by little shops on the roads where people go, I am probably the person who is still walking towards the sunset, aimlessly trying to find a shop where I can contribute something.
So where is God in my life? He is just somewhere buried within the other stresses that bother me. I know though that He is the one who’s keeping me from stopping my walk. I guess I keep on walking because of faith, because of this abstract belief that maybe life would not be so bad for me anymore, one day.
I have NO idea.
What I do know is that I am trying to look for Him in my life.
High school was the peak of my faith in God. I felt Him everywhere, in the trees, in my friends, in my org-mates, in my classmates, in my teachers, in my parents—it’s was like every day, He was showering my life with goodness that even when something went wrong, I knew it would be okay because God was with me. But I guess it was true what they say, when you grow up, faith’s glass is half empty. I do not know what happened, why I suddenly lost God in my life…why I cannot feel Him around anymore.
Because I was so happy in God’s presence in high school, I made a decision then that since He showered me with so much blessings, I would opt to look for a job that would be of service to Him, which is why I decided to go to medical school, to be a doctor and help others. When I was in college, I stayed true to that. I even participated in our school organization that served in Eucharistic celebrations and also joined a socially-oriented organization that taught poor children. It was also during this time when I had an identity crisis. This crisis revolved around what God really wanted for me. I noticed that every time I pray to achieve something, I always end up short. With all the goals that I set for myself, I would always fail to achieve it. I’ve tried adjusting my ideal self, over and over, and it even reached a point when I felt that my ideal self was just this mediocre person. And if there was anything I hated, it was mediocrity. I would have hoped that someday I can be proud of myself.
See, when I was in college, as I got to know different people, I just realized how much of a “loser” I was. Even with my old talents, like playing the piano, or singing, I would find out that I was not really good enough. But that did not stop me then, I would keep on trying and trying, but then I would also fail as much as I tried. It was really difficult because with everything I do, I really give it 120%. I believe in the spirit of Magis, in always doing your best in something, and then adding some. But when I was in college, I had this perpetual feeling that my best was never enough. In that, everything that can go wrong, will definitely go wrong. I was a living example of Murphy’s Law. I was not the student that I would have wanted to be, I was not a good daughter because I was always “masungit” at home to the frustration of my parents, I was a bad leader in our organization and some of the programs that I did were a flop. But despite those, I still picked myself up. In the end though, I did not really achieve anything. My ultimate goal was to be part of the honor’s list for my parents. See, my sister (as what you probably know from my journal entries) have always been on the top. I did not want them to feel that their other daughter was a failure, so I tried to be good at academics. My mother always told us that what was important for them was that we perform good in school, and so I wanted them to get that. Yet, in the end, I failed in that too. To make things worse, my dad and mom were not able to attend my graduation because my dad became ill and went to the hospital.
Things did not change in Medical School. I would still pray and ask God, what do you really want from me. Sometimes I feel like life is against me in going to medical school. Like things that can go wrong, will just happen to me. I was never lucky. Like in Neurology, this one waterloo I had was with the eyes, I said, I can answer anything but that, and of course I ended up with that. Even the non-academic aspect of my life turned out wrong. My barkada had a fight, my close friend from college is not a close friend anymore, my parents seem to expect that medical school is still like college and we’d end up having disagreements; all these things happening together with the stresses of medical school.
Looking at it in retrospect, I’m sure I am probably just overreacting to things…but you know how people say that feelings are never wrong? Well that’s how I feel right now…when I look deep into myself, I just really feel EMPTY.
I remember, we took this depression test when we were in college, and my result was depressed. I remember that I answered YES in the question which asked: Do you feel cheated by life? I answered yes because I really do. I try to cite examples on why I feel like I’m in Murphy’s Law, but I cannot try to objectify it. It’s just this feeling. I am perpetually bothered by this feeling that I may never be good enough…that I may never be a good enough doctor, or that I may never really achieve my goals. What has fueled this? Every day, when I try to achieve a goal, I end up not achieving it. You learn from it, do it again, but everything I do always ends up short over and over that it is just so discouraging to keep on trying. Sometimes I feel that the world would not really be much different even if I were not around.
But now that I think about it, maybe it is like that…maybe because I am consciously making an effort to make something out of my life, to contribute something to the world that I am feeling like a failure and that God has abandoned me and does not heed my cries for help in things that I invest myself in. Maybe I should just like be other people who go to medical school because their parents say so, or who are just so undecided on what to do with their lives—they seem to be having fun, anyway.
Sometimes people say that I expect so much from myself. Maybe I do expect something above what I really am. I was never a ‘genius’. I was always the loser. In school, I was not one of those students who excelled in fact, I was even just trying to pass. Unlike my sister who was really good—I suppose that is why my teachers doubted whether or not we were really siblings since we were so different in terms of talents. In playing the piano, you just present her with a piano piece, and then she’d be able to play it perfectly. She was a leader, she was smart—I wanted to be like her. So I tried to be good at those things too, but in the end, I am not. And when I try to be good at things that I like, like the sciences, I end up not being brilliant at them either. I am just an ordinary person—and that is something that I am coming into terms with. I do not want to live a mediocre life, I did not want my life to be “just one of those” people lives. I originally wanted to look for my niche, and do my best with it so that I can use it for the benefit of others as well. But maybe this goal is too big for me. In fact, maybe even medical school is too big for me. As I said, I am not a genius, and maybe I bit something more than what I can chew.
So where is God in my life? I think since I am really negative right now, He is probably somewhere that I cannot access. I try to look for Him, but I cannot really see Him. I even ask Him this question. But I understand; I would love God to be more with people who REALLY need Him, more than me. I think that some of my problems are just rooted in myself anyway. It was always like that—at the end of everything I always end up as the root cause. I just have to change…like maybe instead of expecting to be good, I just expect nothing. Like just do it, and then whatever (with the result). Maybe I should stop being a perfectionist, and just admit that being mediocre is not so bad, or that I do not have to do something grandiose in my life, I just have to live it. Or that other people will really be better at me, and that maybe I would not be really the best at something, but at least I try to be. I should just be satisfied with trying, I suppose. I do not really know, because as I try to come into terms with these little failures in life, I just get really annoyed with my shortcomings. I do appreciate the fact that I learn my weaknesses, because maybe I can make my way through them, but it’s just annoying that from 4th year high school up to now, all that I am learning are weaknesses. If someone would ask me right now, Joyce, what are your talents, I’d just look at them. I DO NOT KNOW my strengths, yet I can name a TON of weaknesses.
I would like to say that I see God in my crossroads, but I do not want to lie.
In ASMPH, I joined DOCS (Doctors for Christ) because I do want to keep my personal relationship with Him. If there is anything I value, it’s faith. I just know that there is a God. Atheists say that there is no God because whatever man wants, he can achieve it. But life is not like that. It’s too big—men are totally not in control. We do things, but sometimes, it’s just not really for us, and so we keep on going, hoping to find our niche in life. And I am on that stage. If life were a road, and niches and talents are represented by little shops on the roads where people go, I am probably the person who is still walking towards the sunset, aimlessly trying to find a shop where I can contribute something.
So where is God in my life? He is just somewhere buried within the other stresses that bother me. I know though that He is the one who’s keeping me from stopping my walk. I guess I keep on walking because of faith, because of this abstract belief that maybe life would not be so bad for me anymore, one day.
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